Musings and email snippets from 2002

The following four snippets of writing were found while cleaning out some email archives. The context is somewhat vague, as I do not even remember exactly what was going on during this time. I post them here becuase they are not bad, interesting to read and are an insight into feelings years ago.
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....A moment in time. Brought on by a circumstance .. a melody..a scent of perfume. A state of un-resolved longing. A vacuum. A vague sense of loss. Then a second feeling. One even more subtle. A nebulous feeling of want. A directionless projection of love, of care of tenderness. No target in sight. To whom are these feelings meant. Who do they belong to. All just random scatterings of emotion. Flung hither and thither about the universe. It will take a woman to coalesce and focus these feelings. Most times a man can forget them and do man things. Other times, if he is honest, times like these leave a great empty hole in his psyche. Repaired only with time and forgetfulness. Or filled with the love he seeks. When will that time come. Where is she tonight? He carries in him a great hope that tomorrow will bring her into his life. That each new dawn is a promise of things to come and a renewal of hope for the future. A string of disappointments not withstanding he thinks enough of himself still to believe in the ultimate dream. That love is forever after all and people do give it unconditionally to each other. The clock ticks and time may change him but he can't change time. Youth, at the end of the day is wasted on the inexperienced and the immature. There is an equal out there who does not care about his mortality but the promise of today. At the mid point of his short stay on this globe he thinks he has quite a lot to share and that eventually the quest will be over and he will love again. And be loved. What more can he ask for....

....the weekend. Sunday mornings alone aren't so bad he thought. I can take my time, have some coffee, read the paper. The silence was deafening. He put on some music. The dulcet tones of some female chanteuse hovered in the air. Like the dust motes illuminated by the morning sun. Floating, hanging, with no direction except where the draft takes them. In moments of reflection like these he seldom thinks about past loves. Has blocked out the pain of separation, finally. At first with the help of vodka and juice, closing down the local pub, lamenting to anyone who would listen. Then as time passed he dealt with his emotions in a less destructive way. The memories could still sting, but had lost their power over him. A sense of ambivalence. What seemed to fill his mind now in moments of quiet, were visions of the dream woman. He once read that lonely people do strange things. He believed it.

The mid morning sunshine gave way to a thickening blanket of clouds. Rain or snow was on its way. A dry documentary on the mating habits of some fish was on the television. 120 channels and nothing on TV. He drifted off to sleep somewhere between the fish and an info-mercial proclaiming the benefits of an abdominal exercise machine. Sleet had started to pelt the windows. Dozing in the lazy afternoon. Wandering thoughts. There she is. The gossamer dream woman. Hair ablaze, eyes bright, sultry in her robes, more like clouds of sheer satin. Dream clothes. She comes close like before, arms outstretched, filled with need and promise. The knot forms in his belly. All the same except he hasn't awakened yet. The embrace was enough to knock the breath from his lungs. Not hard but electric, like a shot of voltage through his body. He was aroused. He finds himself looking face to face with the nameless apparition. Staring into deep cloudy eyes, holding her face close to his. He can feel the heat of her neck and the tickle of a lock of hair fallen around his hand. So close, a stream of communication flows between his eyes and hers. Her lips pout to accept his kiss and the moment draws near. A sharp intake of breath. Eyes closed in anticipation of the touch of her lips on his. A ringing in his ears...ringing...bells...

The phone had managed to wake him after all. A groggy hello and it was all over. Some telemarketer wanting him to switch long distance service. He lit a cigarette and sighed. Some day. He would meet her in real life, and he would disconnect the phone.....


....I sit and stare at the phosphorus glow of the monitor. Illuminating its territory of desk top. Blackness seeps in from around it's edges. It is so cold and impersonal, doesn't care about the feelings and warmth inside me. Just executes the instructions given it without question. Sits mute despite the emotion of the user. No amount of want or need can make it respond. Just input from the clacking keyboard makes it do anything. Cold. Bits and bytes. Still, my touch is evident in every keystroke. My desire is transmitted in every action. My eyes have seen every word. Perhaps when you see these words on yet another cold piece of cold silicon. You will be warmed by the intent, the desire, the promise...Can you feel me tonight? Can you grasp the emotion? Flying through space at the speed of light? I am here with you in my mind. Connected by miles of copper wire. I can touch you yet. If not in real life then in cyberspace. I pray that touch is warm, undiluted by distance. I am thinking of you. Here in my world. I wish you were here....


.....He felt as though his wildest dreams had finally come true. The passion shared the night before reverberated in his mind. In his soul. Every fiber of his being begged for her touch. Reaching out with want and need. Searching for the warmth that necessity had deprived him. The static left from a night of love was enough to light his life. Ignite his hope, fire his dreams. He looked across the gulf between them. How long till a repeat performance. Could they keep the fire alive? He decided then and there that he would project in every thought and movement his desire for her. His need for her, his want. When he closed his eyes he saw her face, the deep stare, the enigmatic suggestion of lust...Enough to fuel his dreams forever. Now the thought of leaving dreams for reality piqued his imagination. So in a few days they would be together again ,but a few days seemed like an eternity..He would have to wait. Wait he would and the reward would be estacy.....