Daddy LOVES his Caddie

After months of silence, the first new blog post of the summer is about the Cadillac..again. I truly love my car, even though it is older, it still looks really good. The Catera is low slung, has a cool looking front front end, if I pop the moon roof the cars profile oozes sophisticated sportiness.
I try very hard to take care of my car, the oil get changed religiously, I recently hand washed and waxed the thing under the tree in the backyard. I want the car to last and to continue running well, making my long commutes like spending time in my living room swaddled in soft leather luxury.

While driving to work not long ago, I noticed the "check engine" light was on. Just for perspective, I have owned many high mileage cars, so the "check engine" light typically does not intimidate me. I once drove a Cavalier (loved that old car) for four years with the check engine light on. Hell, if it went off is when I would get nervous. Mostly this light is just a means of getting you into the dealership so they can sell you some obscure part that costs too much, oh and while you are there why not spend hundreds of dollars on other maintenance items that happen to need fixed too.

This time however, I was not content to just let it pass, I couldn't stand seeing the light on the dash, a constant reminder that my beloved Cadillac might be sick. As I drove I carefully tuned into the vehicles performance. I turned off the radio and the A/C and listened for anything out of the ordinary. I put the car through some different driving conditions to determine if anything was out of place. As it turns out there were no obvious differences in the way the car behaved. Just the glowing reminder that something might be wrong.

Later the same day, as I drove home from work, I called the Cadillac dealer in my town to inquire about getting the light checked out. The next day I drove into the service bay at the dealership to have the mysterious light analyzed.

Now, the Cadillac dealership service bay isn't like the Chevy or Saturn service areas. This place looked like the workshop for a NASCAR drivers car. Clean, modern, the staff were extremely friendly and professional. In the past I have had negative feelings about all things dealer, especially the service department but this time I was impressed. I was Mr. Freshour, and I felt that my car would get the finest service available from these clean and professional service people.

The paper work was done in moments and I was ushered into a service lounge. The lounge featured high end leather seating, a large flat panel television and deep cold air conditioning. I settled into a chair and picked up a very recent copy of GQ while I awaited the prognosis on my car. The test was supposed to take an hour but only 30 minutes later the very nice service man sat down next to me with a computer print out that contained the diagnosis. He explained what needed to happen and why, he also pointed out the long term consequences of ignoring the light.
I agreed and an hour later I was back on the road. The repair was a vacuum pump that had gotten old and no longer worked to spec. There were also some hoses that had dry rotted and no longer held air.

I do not understand everything about a cars vacuum system, I know on older models the compression from the cylinders created vacuum pressure and this was harnessed to advance the timing as well as a host of other vital functions, but newer cars are all "fly by wire" with electronics controlling most of a vehicles operations. I also know that larger cars rely on vacuum assist to enhance vehicle performance. Sure enough, the slightly anemic air conditioning was blowing robustly again, I had more break pedal, and the car idled more smoothly. All small and subtle things, but I was happy. Mostly, I was glad the light was no longer advertising the fact I had to go to the dealer and spend money.

The repair was not cheap, but I did get a 10% discount for being a first time customer. I got an oil change punch card, so every 5th oil change is free. I also gained a trust for the service department, I would not go anywhere else now. I will pay a bit extra for the Cadillac service, all because these people have not forgotten that the customer is king.

The Ultimate Condiment

Readers of this blog know that I have been on a diet these last few months. It has worked very well so far. I eat a lot of Splenda, and am amazed at the vast universe of flavors that can be coaxed out of the humble turkey. I have satirized diet foods in the past, including the weird spray on butter substitute endorsed by Fabio.

While contemplating what special needs a man has while dieting,
it occurred to me that men only need a simple condiment to lose weight. If everything tasted like bacon, we could easily eat brussels sprouts, broccoli, oddly colored "baby" lettuce, even spinach. Our entire dietary intake could be high fiber leafy greens with usually flavorless yellow squash. Imagine how fast the pounds would fly off.

Yes, I propose the wonder condiment, "I Can't Believe It's Not Bacon....Spray". Whip up a heaping plate of green beans and with a few simple sprays they suddenly taste like they have been cooking in bacon fat for hours, just like mom used to make! Think of the millions of dollars the inventor of this miracle condiment would make. Other uses for our amazing new spray on food would include bacon low fat smoothies, bacon sandwiches with only lettuce and tomato, unnatural eggs in a carton with the bacon flavor cooked in. I can't wait to write the "I Can't Believe It's Not Bacon" cook book.

Forget celery with peanut butter, just a few good sprays of this stuff and it would be like eating pork rinds, crunchy goodness and all. The possible uses for this wonder spray are endless and enticing. For the hard core bacon lover, it would be possible to drink the stuff right out of the bottle, for an intense bacony rush of goodness just pour into a shot glass and enjoy, neat.

I will keep scanning the grocery store shelves for the holy grail of diet foods, searching for bacon on demand without the guilt (or the fat and calories). Look for "I Can't Believe It's Not Bacon...Spray" at a store near you.

It Ain't Easy Peeing Green

So being "green" is all the rage these days. All we hear in the media is how to conserve, save, recycle and if we don't then we are obviously bad, bad people. Companies are jumping on the green bandwagon in record numbers, most are just using it as a promotional tool. Sending me junk mail on recycled paper does not really qualify as being environmentally sound to me. At least the company that is sending me the advertising can put a cool logo on the mailer stating how green they are.

We, as a society are encouraged daily to conserve, save gas, save electricity, save water, don't pollute unnecessarily. I keep hearing how the world is facing a water shortage. I can see that in the desert parts of the world (like California and Texas) but where the most recent problem has been is in the American South, like Georgia. I am from California originally, where folks have been using "low-flow" toilets and "gray water irrigation" for years. I suppose a water shortage comes as a bit of a surprise in an area normally known for being very moist.

It occurred to me recently that I use a ton of water for flushing the commode. On a good drinking night I imagine I flush a hundred gallons or more down the drain. I therefore have decided to pee green. I don't mean that I plan on eating tons of green substances, or take some medication that will make my pee a nice shade of chartreuse. I am suggesting a return to the outhouse. That quaint shack built over a ditch in the back yard. Then all my waste would simply gurgle into a ditch where it could decompose naturally. No water used at all. All men could do their part by simply whipping it out and peeing behind the garage, anytime. No water, no flushing, no paper products used. Public decency laws could be changed to when the guys are out at the bar, drinking, a quick trip to the alley in back of the place could serve as the green pee area.

With this idea I have done my part to save the earth. I bet peeing green would save tens of thousands of gallons of water each year. If every man did this (yes the ladies are exempted for now) we could float Georgia with the water saved. Of course alleys and the back of garages may end up looking like some back street in Bombay. But what is a little odor and disease if we are saving the worlds water supply? If growing corn to make fuel is a green action to take, even though now there is a global food shortage, then peeing green to save water, even though the gutters may run foul with waste, cant be a bad thing, right?

Now I am making a difference, something has finally come along that I can do. I am not going to buy a Prius, nor am I going to use canvas bags at the grocery store. I doubt I am going to start using an electric lawn mower, and our town does not even offer a recycling program as part of trash pick up, so peeing green is my small contribution to saving our planet.

It is easy peeing green after all.