First Tree (December 2001)

There was a tree green and gold. Faded by time and space. It sat in the corner by the window. The blinds were open so the passers by could see it. Gaily festooned with glitter and tinsel. There was an ornament hanging there. It said "babies first Christmas" with the name "Scotty" etched into a space in crooked marker ink. The first tree in my life was so long ago I no longer remember it in any sure way. I remember a house full of love and a mother who fussed over her little son. Of shiny glass bulbs and twinkling lights. A mound of wrapped packages under its dark boughs. Perhaps I reached for my mothers smiling face, attracted by the flashing lights reflected in her glasses. Perhaps.

Then there was the first tree I shared with my new wife. The woman I loved and hoped to spend forever with. Young and full of hope. The first tree was a shared experience. No little ones yet to share the joy. Just two lovers. Dragging home a tree that cost a weeks worth of groceries.Decorated in the best fashion possible. It represented a time when the future held so much promise. The tree will be better next year. And it was. Making sweet love under its gleaming limbs. Thinking no decoration could possibly be as lovely as the woman gently sighing under me. Soft white light the only illumination. It didn't matter there was no money to buy gifts. What mattered was each other. Singular, enraptured, in love.

Now there is another first tree. A tree that is the first on my own. No wife to share it with, no lover to consummate under its gleaming bulk. It is pretty, decorated in ribbon and lace. It just seems hollow. Like there is a portion not present. As if a Christmas tree needs a family to make it whole. The children marvel at its beauty still. Unknowing of grown up emotions or wants, or past mistakes. That.. provides hope, to see the joy in a Childs eyes over the magic of a Christmas tree. Just how much magic does it contain? What miracle can a dead piece of pine produce? It has brought memories and a feeling of regret and loss. Also a hope for the future. A light in the dark of winter.

Just another first tree. There will be more. The one thing that has continued unchanged is the tree itself. Every year at the solstice humans erect a tree. Despite lost love, death, and a host of other doom. The people feel compelled to decorate a tree. Then stand in it's glow and marvel at the lovely thing it has become. Let the memories come they aren't all bad, in fact most of the time it was good. Another first tree can make me smile after all....