The Ultimate Condiment

Readers of this blog know that I have been on a diet these last few months. It has worked very well so far. I eat a lot of Splenda, and am amazed at the vast universe of flavors that can be coaxed out of the humble turkey. I have satirized diet foods in the past, including the weird spray on butter substitute endorsed by Fabio.

While contemplating what special needs a man has while dieting,
it occurred to me that men only need a simple condiment to lose weight. If everything tasted like bacon, we could easily eat brussels sprouts, broccoli, oddly colored "baby" lettuce, even spinach. Our entire dietary intake could be high fiber leafy greens with usually flavorless yellow squash. Imagine how fast the pounds would fly off.

Yes, I propose the wonder condiment, "I Can't Believe It's Not Bacon....Spray". Whip up a heaping plate of green beans and with a few simple sprays they suddenly taste like they have been cooking in bacon fat for hours, just like mom used to make! Think of the millions of dollars the inventor of this miracle condiment would make. Other uses for our amazing new spray on food would include bacon low fat smoothies, bacon sandwiches with only lettuce and tomato, unnatural eggs in a carton with the bacon flavor cooked in. I can't wait to write the "I Can't Believe It's Not Bacon" cook book.

Forget celery with peanut butter, just a few good sprays of this stuff and it would be like eating pork rinds, crunchy goodness and all. The possible uses for this wonder spray are endless and enticing. For the hard core bacon lover, it would be possible to drink the stuff right out of the bottle, for an intense bacony rush of goodness just pour into a shot glass and enjoy, neat.

I will keep scanning the grocery store shelves for the holy grail of diet foods, searching for bacon on demand without the guilt (or the fat and calories). Look for "I Can't Believe It's Not Bacon...Spray" at a store near you.