You Are What You Eat

If we are what we eat, then I am a cross between a slab of bacon and a block of cheese, nothing green in sight. That is until about a week ago when I decided to join Daisy in an effort to diet. So now I am committed to diet to the point of emaciation, a 50 lbs. goal! I will be so sveldt and sexy Daisy won't know what to do with me (although I bet she figures something out).
So goodbye Cheezit ®'s and hello diet food. Here I have reviewed some of the weird as well as familiar foods that have become a part of my daily nourishment.




Breakfast: Granola
The 90 calorie whole grain granola bar, made by that freaky Quaker dude, that stands around in school playgrounds ostensibly handing out healthy snacks for the children with his stony, plastic expression. This granola bar is 2 points in the Weight Watchers pantheon of numbered foods. It is about the size of a large eraser, in fact I always eat two. One gets stuck in my teeth and I derive no immediate nourishment from it, only later as I finally get it all out of my molars do I really feel I have eaten it.
I have two of these each morning for Breakfast. Note that I wake up ravenous each day. It is the hungriest time for me. Lord knows there is nothing like sleeping to work up a healthy appetite.
They taste good and provide a boost of carbo energy, after I get the first one out of my teeth and into my belly that is. I like them. Rating: 8

Breakfast: Banana
In addition to my granola snack, I eat a banana each morning, since I eat on the run, the back of my car smells like the primate enclosure at the zoo because of the peels I have yet to remove to the bin. You really can't go wrong with a banana. It may well be The Worlds Most Perfect Food. Better by far than the Incredible Edible Egg, and less fat than the Other White Meat (no Carp isn't the other white meat) sadly, it is seldom Whats For Dinner.

How can I fault the banana for anything other than the inconvenient waste when the fruity meat is gone and I have a peel to dispose of? Since it is bio-degradable and all, I have often thought about chucking it out the window, but I am always afraid the commuter in back of me will lose traction when they run over it causing an embarrassing incident on the highway.
Bananas are way good and so good for you. Rating: 10

Anytime: Rice Cake
With a point value of one (1) this unnatural snack food should be a boon for satiating any and all munchie attacks that may occur. As it turns out I do not like them very well. I bought the white cheddar cheese flavored disks. Believe me they are no substitute for real white cheddar, nor cheddar popcorn, or white cheddar cheezit's or anything for that matter. The flavor isn't bad but eating one of these is a bit like consuming Styrofoam. I may as well put some cheese flavoring on a bag of packing peanuts (theres the UPS store, lets pull over and get some grub!). They are messy too, leaving crumbs all over my shirt, no matter how carefully I put them in my mouth. I tried to eat one in the lunch room at work last week. I had to back away from the table and lean forward a little so as I ate the crumbs would harmlessly hit the floor instead of my shirt. I can only imagine what I looked like. I have since declined to eat them at work. Very much like a foamy air filled hockey puck. Rating 2.

Lunch: Yogurt
Here is a lunch I can support, I usually eat a healthy sandwich or a frozen reduced calorie and fat frozen entree, then enjoy this creamy goodness for desert. I am not sure how they make skim milk culture with Aspertame in it taste so good but thank god they do. I am sure I would just as soon be fat if I couldn't have yogurt.

Oddly enough, I seldom eat the stuff when I am not on a diet, I mean why eat yogurt when it is ok to have ice cream or boston cream pie. As an added bonus I do not have to pick it out of my teeth later.

This diet staple is a winner. Rating 10



Dinner: Turkey
You knew this one was coming. The savior of dieting beef eaters everywhere. You have heard the line in recipes, "for a low-fat alternative to beef, replace with lean ground turkey". That theory only works partially. Tonight I had turkey sloppy joe's. They were quite good and will probably become a family favorite. This is only because with tomato sauce and seasoning you cant really tell what kind of meat it is. It could be rats assholes (2 points) and still taste good smothered in sloppy joe goodness.

We do several things with this versatile and healthy meat. Everything but eat it plain, that would be truly tastless. What happens to turkey when it is ground? It does not remind me of Thankgiving at all. It is also nearly as expensive as beef with many designer brands catering to the diet / healthy eating crowd. Put a green label on it and some clever packaging and suddenly it is trendy and healthy and a $1.00 more than it should be.
Overall a good diet food. Rating: 7

Dinner: Salad
My dream salad: iceberg lettuce, mushrooms, onions, croutons, cheese, more cheese, bacon, ham, bean sprouts, more bacon, chopped eggs, all unrecognizable due to the thick layer of full fat ranch dressing pumped over the top. The reality is we eat alot of salad these days, and not dream salads either. As it turns out there are a gazillion different kinds of lettuce and they are quite good. Who knew? Years ago there was one type of salad and it only had the ubiquitous iceberg. I love the color and texture of having many types of leaves in my salad. Gone is the cup o ranch, replaced by a spray bottle of dressing. The good news is 20 sprays of Cesar flavored dressing like product is 0 points. Pretty good stuff though and it lets the flavor of the weed tops come through.

Decent diet food. Rating: 8


Condiments: Butter Stuff
I cant believe it exists, let alone it's not butter. The height of fake food technology is the butter spray and the butter powder. It is remarkable how good these products taste really, yay chemistry. However, these condiments have never seen a dairy. I have no idea what the spray on butter is made of. I only hope I look like Fabio if I eat enough of it. The powder is really good on potato's. Not as good as real butter, but then again few things are as tasty as butter. It will suffice to make the mostly bland foods that are on the diet list palatable and someday when I am in "maintenance" I can eat butter again.

I might be able to snort the powder, and get a butter flavored high. Just roll up a $100.00 bill and pretend it is 1979 and get down with butter flake. (the bee-gees optional)

The spray packaging reminds me of cleaning solution or hair spray, tastes fine, but I am having some trouble with the concept of spray on food. The package says in proud letters that it is the original. Yes, whoever invented the spray on, oil like, butter flavored goo was definitely an original. Who thinks of this stuff?

Very weird but tasty. Rating: 7

So that is my rundown of diet foods for tonight. I am not hungry, I have eaten well, and with a little luck I am losing pounds even as I write. Soon I will be spray painted leafy green milk curd with turkey feathers and whole oats. We are what we eat.

This is day 8 of my pilgrimage to blogging nirvana.