Over the shoulder

I have spent some time recently working on my blog, I have not been a great, or prolific blogger so far, but I have managed to craft a decent template design. Yesterday, I read over some of my older posts. Some I like and others not so much, it is interesting to see what I was feeling on the day I wrote, and remember what was going on in my life at that moment. I believe that is largely what blogs are for, while they can be entertaining, they are at least as much a public diary of sorts, a journal. The early posts were mostly regarding my then new relationship with my current girlfriend. My emotions were running strong and free and I felt compelled to write about it. Since then I have not written about my lover as much. We are in a stable relationship, very much in love and doing fine with big plans for the future. However; the gushing has dried up for the most part, I am not sure why this happens but really, one cannot keep up expending that much emotional energy forever. I like where I am these days. I still believe she is the one I have looked for all these years. We are still best friends and lovers. We share private jokes and can communicate with just a look, or a smile. A day never passes that we do not express our love for each other in some way, simple or more elaborate, it is always sweet.

I occasionally let my demons haunt me, as does she, and at 40 we have some demons to exorsize, the key is to successfully overcome the fears past experiences have planted. Back in those first heady weeks, I often did a gut check, I asked myself in point blank terms: "Do you love her? " I did this because I was scared to fall in love again, and I was weighing the risks vs. the rewards. I am glad I took the risk, it has been over six months now and I could not imagine life without her, well actually I could and I don't like what that life looks like.

Last night, before sleep, that intimate time of day when we are together without any distractions, the beautiful interval when we talk sweetly and exchange little kisses, she asked me why I loved her with all my heart. The statement wasn't weighty or the prelude to a long discussion, just a light question. I chose two reasons and that was the end of it, but I wanted to elaborate just a bit at this time in our lives together to publicly state why I love her so much.
My girl is pretty, beautiful even, the very sight of her still makes my heart skip a beat and I imagine she always will. She is kind, and generous, she possesses a compassion for others that I sometimes lack. She treats me very well, with a meal at the end of the day, listens to me blather on about my business, she often signals her love with very simple things that mean so much. Like a tender touch, or a meaningful look, or even just thinking of me when getting up to get something from the kitchen. She loves me for who I am, and that is the greatest gift of all for me. I am so imperfect, I have my demons, my passions, my attitude, and she loves me despite all that. Some days I don’t love myself very much. I continually try to improve, that is what humans strive to do, but she loves me right now, today. That is more than I could ask of anyone, and all I need.

We also share a common chemistry, she and I mix well. That in itself is a potent combination that I believe a lifetime may be built upon. I hope to spend the rest of my life with this remarkable woman, she makes me whole and balances the parts of me that tend to veer off the road. Mostly, I am content and happy when I am with her, and miss her when I am away.
So looking back, I realize all those feelings are still there, maybe more mature but certainly deeper. We have proved we can survive into this stage of the relationship.

A friend of mine that reads this blog said that I have “written a book” about my girl, referring to all the blog entries from last fall. Reading those entries and comparing those feelings to what I feel now serves to reinforce my conviction that she and I are real, that the dream lives and that today, over six months since we met, I love her more than ever.
I have nothing but my future, my past is fragmented and full of mistakes. My past has got me in trouble and sown seeds that bore thorny fruit that I still live with. My future however is very bright and it is a future I want very badly. A future made wonderful with Daisy.
slf 03-07