The Scorched Earth

There was a time in my life in the days after my 12 year marriage failed, after the months of mourning the loss of my wife and reconciling the betrayal she visited on me. The months of anger, and crying, and despair when finally I started looking for another special friend, got back out there as it were, to find a girlfriend. I dated fairly often, nothing too serious at first. I first dated some local women that seemed interested back when I was wearing a wedding band. It is interesting to note that there were days when I regretted that band of gold, but I walked the line, I never cheated, and when I did get a chance to date these women it still went nowhere.

Eventually, I discovered online dating and never looked back, I found that it was easier than going to bars, and since I didn't belong to any civic organizations, nor did I attend church there really weren't going to be many situations where I might meet a nice woman. I mean honestly, my friends would rattle off the cliche: "You will meet her when you least expect it, in the grocery store or something" well that never happens. I can see it now, while weighing the pros and cons of ground chuck vs. ground round the woman of my dreams would suddenly appear, reaching over my shoulder to pluck a pound of ground beef, when our eyes would lock and love would bloom right there over the meat counter, dead hunks of beef flesh bearing mute witness to the occasion. No, online dating was the way to go and since I make my living on the Internet it was very convenient.

I started slow, the seduction was different online, I chose to be completely honest about myself and I suppose most people do when they participate in online dating. I wanted to represent myself honestly so when we finally met the product advertised is what they got. I had a few dates that turned into a pattern of short 4-6 week affairs. Nothing serious. Over time I started calling the online dating service the "pussy mill" (sorry ladies, I was in a single mans place for awhile). Then one day I met a fabulous woman, she and I got along very well and the first date was amazing to say the least. We chatted for a few weeks then graduated to phone calls then of course we met and a relationship started.

It was a good relationship, but I was crushing very hard on this woman, I called it love at the time although I never stated it, nor did she. One day by remote control, I got a phone call the break up call. She no longer wanted to date me. I was sad, and angry, and spent several days in a fugue. I decided that she didnt exist, that she had her chance and because she squandered her opportunity to be with me, a good guy, she deserved whatever she ended up with. I didnt answer her phone calls, didnt IM her anymore, deleted hundreds of emails (I had saved every one of them).

This policy worked pretty well, it protected my self esteem, and gave my anger a channel through which to express itself. If I was mad and righteously indignant about the situation, then there was less emotional real estate for the heartbreak and grief to take root in.

Then I met another, some six months later and this relationship took off and blossomed, we dated a year to the day and had expressed our love for each other. We were thinking about moving in together and all the serious relationship stuff that is a natural consequence of being in love. Then one day she took a new job and decided in a rather fatalistic way that since we would never see each other, she should end our relationship. Oh that hurt, bad. I was a mess, I tried to reason with her, asked her to reconsider, I begged and pleaded, but to no avail. Once again, she didn't exist, I went through my cathartic ritual again, burning her out of my soul the hard way. Denying her memory from having too much control of my psyche, burning the emails, the IM's, the tangible evidence of our year long affair. She called me about three months later, I had systematically ignored all previous attempt at communication but this time I was caught off guard. She tearfully said she had made a bad mistake, that her job fell through and she loved me and wanted me back. I thought that took a bit of nerve to have broken my heart only to come back after so much time had passed. I told her no, that we were done and to leave me alone.

More Scorched Earth, I never heard from her again.

I later lived to regret that one, I should have been more compromising. I really am a big softy and I do not like hurting others, still she hurt me, an eye for an eye anyone? In the chronology of this all, I eventually met yet another woman, asked this one to marry me and even moved in with her. That one fell through too, she ended it and in hindsight I am very glad she did but I was a total wreck for months. The scorched earth policy that had worked so well in the past did not quite cut it this time. Every time I tried to execute my ritual "purification by fire" mental gymnastics I found I felt just as bad. This round, only time would heal my heart, the anger while there,never took root like it did in the past. I found other ways to heal, for a good while after the break up I wanted her back, then one day I decided to keep walking. She occasionally hinted at a reconciliation, but as hard as it was, I held firm. If she hurt me that badly once she would do it again. We both moved on and months turned into years and then she had no power over me any longer. I can see her today, and feel nothing but a twinge of resentment, just a minor echo of a traumatic time in my life. I am free, and even though it took much longer I feel it was the healthier way to go. Scorched earth has it's downside, because anger takes too much energy and bad Karma can come from it. Lord knows I need all the good Karma I can get.

Enter BDJ, she found me online only a few months ago, and our meeting exploded into a full on relationship, instant best friends, and we fell in love in record time. Today we are grounded in love so sublime I have trouble expressing it. The point is, she is the one, and had I not walked through the fire of my last break up and took the time to understand and heal from the experience, had I not realized and owned my part of it, I would have been less prepared for the love of BDJ. The scorched earth policy was a shortcut, and it cheated me the thought process that is required to get healthy again. Heaven forbid anything should ever happen to this relationship that we cannot come to terms over. If it did happen in some hypothetical world, I would not hide in my angry shell, I would not go quietly into "she doesnt exist" mode. I would follow, I would work, I would still love her, and I would do anything to hold on. This is because after all the heartbreak, I still believe in love, and I am living the proof of it right now. I still believe that love can conquer all.

slf 10/15/06