Psyche Out

It has been awhile since I entered a post on this blog, everyday I make a list of things to do and one of them is to write in my blog, however there are only so many hours in a day. It isnt as if I have a fan following, waiting with breathless anticipation for me to post a blog. So sue me.

As everyone knows by now I am involved in a fabulous relationship with a woman I love dearly. In 40 years I have not known this level of comfort, joy, love, and security, even when I was married it didnt feel this right. There may be many reasons for this, age and experience can teach us what we want, what we are looking for and when we find it we know. Perhaps I just took four decades to find the woman of my dreams. There is also the possibility of needing maturity to be the right man for the right woman, regardless, today I am the luckiest man alive.

Still, occasionally my heart gets scared, once in awhile I still wonder if it is all too good to be true, if only for a moment. I know better intellectually, my mind knows what she said, my brain remembers the long talks in the night, the vows of love forever and the oaths of fealty. I know she loves me and I know we are in this for the long haul, and I am confident we will be together, in love forever. Yes we have both used the term forever, and guess what? I am very comfortable with that.

My history with relationships however has been a harrowing one, and my heart may be excused for looking over it's shoulder sometimes. One day last week, I was in the office working and expected to hear from my girl, she always emails, or calls, and in some way lets me know she is thinking about me. It was gloomy outside and I was very tired, and at noon I had not yet heard from her. This isnt even that unusual since she has an important and busy job and cannot always take time out for a quick email. Intellectually, I know this and all is well. Yet as the day progressed I began to feel melencholy, sort of down for no apparent reason. I stopped to ask myself why. I decided it was the weather, and the weariness and let it go at that.

Then out of nowhere, I asked myself a question. What if there were something wrong? What if she and I had been having a disagreement about something? (we werent) What if she wanted to end the relationship? Remember, I knew better, I just decided to ask these questions hypothetically to see where it went in my head. The mental gymnastics started then, and this sort of masochistic gut check went awry. Someday we will have a fight, some day one of us will be hurt and maybe have temporary dark thoughts about our future together. I guess I was just trying to for see what that day might feel like.

I did not like the feeling, and the thought occured to me in all its stark horror that I would have a very hard time without her. Without this amazing person in my life I would be miserable, sad, and I really do not want to find out how I would get through such a thing. Yes I have done it before and I would survive, but how long would this one hurt should it ever come to that? We take the risks becuase the rewards are worth it, she is worth it and there is only one way to find out if we are right for each other and that is to put our hearts on the line and see what happens. I took that plunge a long time ago and I have no reason to regret it. We really are as compatible and in love as any two people can be.

Later that day as she lay in my arms and we talked about the days events, I opened up and shared the experience. It was a little hard to communicate that fact that none of it was real, just a mind game that I wish I hadnt played. She was wonderful, and understanding and most importantly assured me all was well. Just like I knew it was all along.

My wary heart trusts her more everyday, and my love for her grows with it. I am happy that I do not have to contemplate strife in our relationship today. The most important lesson is knowing and trusting, that when there is a problem we respond to each other in loving and understanding terms, if we do that there will never be a problem we cannot solve. I know we can do that, and I am glad.

slf.