Blog Fodder, indeed..

Well now I went and did it, I joined a "challenge" where one blogs everyday for 30 days and then gets some minor recognition on a site www.nablopomo.com apparently the name stands for National Blog Posting Month, which used to be November, but now it is every month. So here we go, I who seldom posts to this blog, have now committed to posting every day for a month. Check it every day till March 16th.

Yesterday was Valentines day, it is a day that always creeps up on me and subtlety nags me to honor it with my someone special. I do not hate the day, I only have trouble with the concept. I love my girl each and every day of the week, I am sure to let her know I love her every day too, with words and actions. It is easy and natural and I do not need a pseudo holiday once a year to express my love for her. To her credit, she feels much the way I do, we simply exchange a few niceties and move on, fun but totally unnecessary.

I decided to get her some roses, big pretty roses. Since I have only given her flowers on a few occasions in our relationship, it is still a special thing, not tired or cliche. However, I was guilty, I had waited till the last possible moment to get any gift at all and I was on my way home from work when I stopped at the local florist. They were packed to the rafters with customer too. The building was heaving with every working man in town on their way home from work, looking lost and slightly uncomfortable in the store, frantically looking for the right bouquet.

There were blue collar types, construction workers, business men and professionals, all with the same blank stare and desperate desire to get something to honor their mate, and maybe not spend too much money, and get the hell out of there before the traffic got to heavy for the commute. I stumbled around some, as I didn't understand the system at first. I mean there were cooler doors full of flowers, some in bouquets, some stand alone, others wrapped, some in vases.

Once I figured out that I could get my flowers ala carte, I proceeded to choose a dozen red roses. I mean what could be more romantic than red roses? Well.. two dozen red roses thats what! A dozen roses is fine for making up after you stayed out too late and came home stinking of booze and cigarettes, then spending Sunday sick, tired and farting all over the house. No, a dozen roses wont do it when the point is to honor your lover.

Two dozen roses however, now that is an entirely different story. Sheer quantity and cost covers the fact that you only thought to buy something on your way home from work on the special night. It says, I really, really, really, love you baby. In all seriousness, two dozen roses even impresses me. They are flat out gorgeous and displayed proudly in the living room on the mantle. Funny how 12 more of something is suddenly not cliche or standard, but special.

The fact is, when she looks at those roses, for a fleeting time, as they will eventually die and fade, I hope she sees 24 reminders that I do love her, even though I am crippled by being a man, and not terribly sentimental.

I dont have a very good history with Valentines day, I left my cheating wife on Valentines day, after a big fight I said good-bye on Feb. 14th 2000. I never looked back. Since then I have broken up with two women with whom I was in a relationship, either on the 14th or within a day or two. I didnt mean to do it on that day, it was pure coincidence, really. I think February is partially to blame, the limbo between winter and spring, the gray days and cold nights, the colorless slog to the end of winter.

So I do not feel so bad on one level, there were hundreds of other men doing the same thing I was doing at the florist yesterday. "Oh I better get something for the woman on the way home", we all were in the same sad situation, but I would bet to a man, our hearts were in the right place. Maybe we hadn't thought out and planned an elaborate celebration but we did think to do something special after all and I bet all of us men on our commute home thought about what a great woman we were fortunate enough to have. I know I was, thinking that a couple dozen roses were only one small expression of a much deeper feeling, the love, the friendship, the intimacy.

Is it Memorial Day yet?

Blog post number one (1)

My Amazing Life

Well, I certainly haven't blogged much lately. I actually have a running list of subjects to blog about and think about incidents in my daily life in terms of blog titles. Here are some examples; "Talking heads in space" while thinking of a response to current politics, or "commuting with idiots" when considering my long morning commute. Tonight I am going to write a watershed blog post, one that sort of catches up the long months with no word on this site.

By now everyone knows I have a "real" job, after nearly 10 years of being self employed, I am finally working for the "Man" again. I like it, I have the best job in the world, it pays very well, it is fun, I am constantly challenged and my boss rewards me for my efforts. Nearly every day I thank my higher power for the luck and circumstance that brought me to this place.

Getting a regular paycheck is nice, it allows one to plan for the future and provides structure. In the not so distant past, I never knew from one month to the next how I would pay the bills. Really, the month would start and I would only have the vaguest notion as to how I might get rent paid or the car payment met. I have lost utilities and gone without adequate groceries (please note I nearly always had a bottle of vodka in the freezer, there are more important things than food). Those days are over now, (now I have a huge, fully stocked bar!) I do not really worry about anything basic, more about how I might save some money. The problem I am dealing with recently is trying to save some cash, because I know I could lose this all tomorrow. I have lost it all before, so personal experience has proven that all things are fleeting.

I am living with my dream girl too, lately we have been like a married couple, there is lacking some of the powerful spark that characterized our relationship in the beginning. This is all completely normal, but tonight while I write this piece, I wish to proclaim publicly that for now and forever she is my soul mate, my best friend and the best damn thing that has ever happened to me.

Daisy got a haircut this weekend, she had a photo of Meg Ryan and took it to the stylist to re-create the hair in the photo on her own head. What a dramatic change a simple haircut can bring about, she is absolutely gorgeous in her new hair. I have always thought my girl was beautiful, but this simple change truly makes her even more beautiful to me. But I digress, I wanted to show how her love for me had totally changed my life. If I step back and look at her with the eyes that first saw her, the eyes that told me she was the one when I first saw her as she pulled up to the curb on our first date, the eyes that saw the woman I would be in love with from first sight. I can see even more of her now, way beyond the cute haircut and the pretty smile.

Without her, I would likely have continued as a self employed hack. Yes, I know, I worked hard and I did something most folks only dream about, I paid the bills by working for myself, I had the American dream of entrepreneurship for nearly a decade. In reality, I was socially stunted, I was abysmally lonesome and I drank too much (now I drink too much because it is fun, not for want of company). I would have kept going to bars, looking for one night of love, I would have maintained the status quo, and any attempt at solving my problems would have taken a very long and convoluted path to resolution.

Daisy changed all of that, she gave me a reason to break out and do well. I wanted to get a steady job so I could offer her more than the volatile nature of being a freelance web designer. I settled into a stable life with her, a happy life. I live in her house, but I pay my way, and it feels more like OUR house everyday. We never fight, we seldom get annoyed with each other, we often laugh and smile together, we often find yet another thing that we have in common, as well as discover differences. I do not like Brussels sprouts, to me they taste like burnt, bitter cabbage, but she loves them, steamed in butter. If we go our entire lives and only find things like differences in our taste of Brussels Spouts, I say we have every chance of being united forever.

So I owe my new amazing life to her, a new town to live in, a new job to go to, endless evenings with someone I cant wait to see each day, a bed with a beautiful woman who loves me each night. I really cannot ask for much more. I am truly content and only hope I give back to her what she gives to me each day. I am unworthy.

Looking back all I can say is, finally, I am enjoying a life of contentment, a life full of love, a life that has excitement for the future and enough freedom to not stifle, an amazing life.

Over the shoulder

I have spent some time recently working on my blog, I have not been a great, or prolific blogger so far, but I have managed to craft a decent template design. Yesterday, I read over some of my older posts. Some I like and others not so much, it is interesting to see what I was feeling on the day I wrote, and remember what was going on in my life at that moment. I believe that is largely what blogs are for, while they can be entertaining, they are at least as much a public diary of sorts, a journal. The early posts were mostly regarding my then new relationship with my current girlfriend. My emotions were running strong and free and I felt compelled to write about it. Since then I have not written about my lover as much. We are in a stable relationship, very much in love and doing fine with big plans for the future. However; the gushing has dried up for the most part, I am not sure why this happens but really, one cannot keep up expending that much emotional energy forever. I like where I am these days. I still believe she is the one I have looked for all these years. We are still best friends and lovers. We share private jokes and can communicate with just a look, or a smile. A day never passes that we do not express our love for each other in some way, simple or more elaborate, it is always sweet.

I occasionally let my demons haunt me, as does she, and at 40 we have some demons to exorsize, the key is to successfully overcome the fears past experiences have planted. Back in those first heady weeks, I often did a gut check, I asked myself in point blank terms: "Do you love her? " I did this because I was scared to fall in love again, and I was weighing the risks vs. the rewards. I am glad I took the risk, it has been over six months now and I could not imagine life without her, well actually I could and I don't like what that life looks like.

Last night, before sleep, that intimate time of day when we are together without any distractions, the beautiful interval when we talk sweetly and exchange little kisses, she asked me why I loved her with all my heart. The statement wasn't weighty or the prelude to a long discussion, just a light question. I chose two reasons and that was the end of it, but I wanted to elaborate just a bit at this time in our lives together to publicly state why I love her so much.
My girl is pretty, beautiful even, the very sight of her still makes my heart skip a beat and I imagine she always will. She is kind, and generous, she possesses a compassion for others that I sometimes lack. She treats me very well, with a meal at the end of the day, listens to me blather on about my business, she often signals her love with very simple things that mean so much. Like a tender touch, or a meaningful look, or even just thinking of me when getting up to get something from the kitchen. She loves me for who I am, and that is the greatest gift of all for me. I am so imperfect, I have my demons, my passions, my attitude, and she loves me despite all that. Some days I don’t love myself very much. I continually try to improve, that is what humans strive to do, but she loves me right now, today. That is more than I could ask of anyone, and all I need.

We also share a common chemistry, she and I mix well. That in itself is a potent combination that I believe a lifetime may be built upon. I hope to spend the rest of my life with this remarkable woman, she makes me whole and balances the parts of me that tend to veer off the road. Mostly, I am content and happy when I am with her, and miss her when I am away.
So looking back, I realize all those feelings are still there, maybe more mature but certainly deeper. We have proved we can survive into this stage of the relationship.

A friend of mine that reads this blog said that I have “written a book” about my girl, referring to all the blog entries from last fall. Reading those entries and comparing those feelings to what I feel now serves to reinforce my conviction that she and I are real, that the dream lives and that today, over six months since we met, I love her more than ever.
I have nothing but my future, my past is fragmented and full of mistakes. My past has got me in trouble and sown seeds that bore thorny fruit that I still live with. My future however is very bright and it is a future I want very badly. A future made wonderful with Daisy.
slf 03-07

The Scorched Earth

There was a time in my life in the days after my 12 year marriage failed, after the months of mourning the loss of my wife and reconciling the betrayal she visited on me. The months of anger, and crying, and despair when finally I started looking for another special friend, got back out there as it were, to find a girlfriend. I dated fairly often, nothing too serious at first. I first dated some local women that seemed interested back when I was wearing a wedding band. It is interesting to note that there were days when I regretted that band of gold, but I walked the line, I never cheated, and when I did get a chance to date these women it still went nowhere.

Eventually, I discovered online dating and never looked back, I found that it was easier than going to bars, and since I didn't belong to any civic organizations, nor did I attend church there really weren't going to be many situations where I might meet a nice woman. I mean honestly, my friends would rattle off the cliche: "You will meet her when you least expect it, in the grocery store or something" well that never happens. I can see it now, while weighing the pros and cons of ground chuck vs. ground round the woman of my dreams would suddenly appear, reaching over my shoulder to pluck a pound of ground beef, when our eyes would lock and love would bloom right there over the meat counter, dead hunks of beef flesh bearing mute witness to the occasion. No, online dating was the way to go and since I make my living on the Internet it was very convenient.

I started slow, the seduction was different online, I chose to be completely honest about myself and I suppose most people do when they participate in online dating. I wanted to represent myself honestly so when we finally met the product advertised is what they got. I had a few dates that turned into a pattern of short 4-6 week affairs. Nothing serious. Over time I started calling the online dating service the "pussy mill" (sorry ladies, I was in a single mans place for awhile). Then one day I met a fabulous woman, she and I got along very well and the first date was amazing to say the least. We chatted for a few weeks then graduated to phone calls then of course we met and a relationship started.

It was a good relationship, but I was crushing very hard on this woman, I called it love at the time although I never stated it, nor did she. One day by remote control, I got a phone call the break up call. She no longer wanted to date me. I was sad, and angry, and spent several days in a fugue. I decided that she didnt exist, that she had her chance and because she squandered her opportunity to be with me, a good guy, she deserved whatever she ended up with. I didnt answer her phone calls, didnt IM her anymore, deleted hundreds of emails (I had saved every one of them).

This policy worked pretty well, it protected my self esteem, and gave my anger a channel through which to express itself. If I was mad and righteously indignant about the situation, then there was less emotional real estate for the heartbreak and grief to take root in.

Then I met another, some six months later and this relationship took off and blossomed, we dated a year to the day and had expressed our love for each other. We were thinking about moving in together and all the serious relationship stuff that is a natural consequence of being in love. Then one day she took a new job and decided in a rather fatalistic way that since we would never see each other, she should end our relationship. Oh that hurt, bad. I was a mess, I tried to reason with her, asked her to reconsider, I begged and pleaded, but to no avail. Once again, she didn't exist, I went through my cathartic ritual again, burning her out of my soul the hard way. Denying her memory from having too much control of my psyche, burning the emails, the IM's, the tangible evidence of our year long affair. She called me about three months later, I had systematically ignored all previous attempt at communication but this time I was caught off guard. She tearfully said she had made a bad mistake, that her job fell through and she loved me and wanted me back. I thought that took a bit of nerve to have broken my heart only to come back after so much time had passed. I told her no, that we were done and to leave me alone.

More Scorched Earth, I never heard from her again.

I later lived to regret that one, I should have been more compromising. I really am a big softy and I do not like hurting others, still she hurt me, an eye for an eye anyone? In the chronology of this all, I eventually met yet another woman, asked this one to marry me and even moved in with her. That one fell through too, she ended it and in hindsight I am very glad she did but I was a total wreck for months. The scorched earth policy that had worked so well in the past did not quite cut it this time. Every time I tried to execute my ritual "purification by fire" mental gymnastics I found I felt just as bad. This round, only time would heal my heart, the anger while there,never took root like it did in the past. I found other ways to heal, for a good while after the break up I wanted her back, then one day I decided to keep walking. She occasionally hinted at a reconciliation, but as hard as it was, I held firm. If she hurt me that badly once she would do it again. We both moved on and months turned into years and then she had no power over me any longer. I can see her today, and feel nothing but a twinge of resentment, just a minor echo of a traumatic time in my life. I am free, and even though it took much longer I feel it was the healthier way to go. Scorched earth has it's downside, because anger takes too much energy and bad Karma can come from it. Lord knows I need all the good Karma I can get.

Enter BDJ, she found me online only a few months ago, and our meeting exploded into a full on relationship, instant best friends, and we fell in love in record time. Today we are grounded in love so sublime I have trouble expressing it. The point is, she is the one, and had I not walked through the fire of my last break up and took the time to understand and heal from the experience, had I not realized and owned my part of it, I would have been less prepared for the love of BDJ. The scorched earth policy was a shortcut, and it cheated me the thought process that is required to get healthy again. Heaven forbid anything should ever happen to this relationship that we cannot come to terms over. If it did happen in some hypothetical world, I would not hide in my angry shell, I would not go quietly into "she doesnt exist" mode. I would follow, I would work, I would still love her, and I would do anything to hold on. This is because after all the heartbreak, I still believe in love, and I am living the proof of it right now. I still believe that love can conquer all.

slf 10/15/06

Psyche Out

It has been awhile since I entered a post on this blog, everyday I make a list of things to do and one of them is to write in my blog, however there are only so many hours in a day. It isnt as if I have a fan following, waiting with breathless anticipation for me to post a blog. So sue me.

As everyone knows by now I am involved in a fabulous relationship with a woman I love dearly. In 40 years I have not known this level of comfort, joy, love, and security, even when I was married it didnt feel this right. There may be many reasons for this, age and experience can teach us what we want, what we are looking for and when we find it we know. Perhaps I just took four decades to find the woman of my dreams. There is also the possibility of needing maturity to be the right man for the right woman, regardless, today I am the luckiest man alive.

Still, occasionally my heart gets scared, once in awhile I still wonder if it is all too good to be true, if only for a moment. I know better intellectually, my mind knows what she said, my brain remembers the long talks in the night, the vows of love forever and the oaths of fealty. I know she loves me and I know we are in this for the long haul, and I am confident we will be together, in love forever. Yes we have both used the term forever, and guess what? I am very comfortable with that.

My history with relationships however has been a harrowing one, and my heart may be excused for looking over it's shoulder sometimes. One day last week, I was in the office working and expected to hear from my girl, she always emails, or calls, and in some way lets me know she is thinking about me. It was gloomy outside and I was very tired, and at noon I had not yet heard from her. This isnt even that unusual since she has an important and busy job and cannot always take time out for a quick email. Intellectually, I know this and all is well. Yet as the day progressed I began to feel melencholy, sort of down for no apparent reason. I stopped to ask myself why. I decided it was the weather, and the weariness and let it go at that.

Then out of nowhere, I asked myself a question. What if there were something wrong? What if she and I had been having a disagreement about something? (we werent) What if she wanted to end the relationship? Remember, I knew better, I just decided to ask these questions hypothetically to see where it went in my head. The mental gymnastics started then, and this sort of masochistic gut check went awry. Someday we will have a fight, some day one of us will be hurt and maybe have temporary dark thoughts about our future together. I guess I was just trying to for see what that day might feel like.

I did not like the feeling, and the thought occured to me in all its stark horror that I would have a very hard time without her. Without this amazing person in my life I would be miserable, sad, and I really do not want to find out how I would get through such a thing. Yes I have done it before and I would survive, but how long would this one hurt should it ever come to that? We take the risks becuase the rewards are worth it, she is worth it and there is only one way to find out if we are right for each other and that is to put our hearts on the line and see what happens. I took that plunge a long time ago and I have no reason to regret it. We really are as compatible and in love as any two people can be.

Later that day as she lay in my arms and we talked about the days events, I opened up and shared the experience. It was a little hard to communicate that fact that none of it was real, just a mind game that I wish I hadnt played. She was wonderful, and understanding and most importantly assured me all was well. Just like I knew it was all along.

My wary heart trusts her more everyday, and my love for her grows with it. I am happy that I do not have to contemplate strife in our relationship today. The most important lesson is knowing and trusting, that when there is a problem we respond to each other in loving and understanding terms, if we do that there will never be a problem we cannot solve. I know we can do that, and I am glad.

slf.